HEARTBREAK WARFARE

I have to fucking learn how to fucking make him irrelevant in my life.

Let me create a few scenarios for you:

• When you find out that the person you only truly and deeply loved, was never really in love with you, and only used you as a rebound, how would you feel? How do you get over finding out that your one true love has been and always will be in love with some one else?
• When you find out that the only reason a guy has been after you is because he’s after the sex or whatever you can give him that’s related to sex, how would you feel? How do you get over the fact that you gave in to his demands and feel like a pathetic whore afterwards because he is sitting right next to you, but he’s been texting his real girl? How can you forgive yourself for being “the other girl” who he doesn’t even care about? How can you pretend that everything’s okay because what you’ve done with him must remain a secret? How can you let yourself pretend that nothing happened? How can you regain your own self respect?

If you know the answers to these questions, please let me know. 

For some stupid fucking reason, my right eye is currently hurting and I can’t seem to stay awake for a long time. So in order for me to actually finish this post, I’d be needing a loooot of energy. But I think the topic for this post is enough to give me a boost on staying up.

I am in deep shit.

I don’t know who to fucking turn to.

I can’t even talk to my-fucking-self about myself.

Hell, once you’re in a situation when you can’t even talk to yourself in your head about your problem, you know you’re screwed. (And probably really messed up)

I don’t even know how to fucking begin. I mean, do I start by saying I made out with a girl just to get a certain guys attention. And that guy happens to be the person this girl’s dating. I’m weird, I know.

I think it would be a lot easier if I would just use pen names for these people. The boy I like will be named James (cause it’s a very common name) and the girl’s name is Tessa (cause it’s the first name that popped in my head).

Well, anyway.

Analyzing myself, I know I’m pretty messed up. Hell. The reasons I had for the decisions I’ve made for the past month has been utterly disgraceful and immature. I don’t even know myself anymore and I can’t tell anyone that. How do you fucking approach your friend and tell him that you are in search of your soul? Seriously. Cause if anyone knew, I’d approach him in a heartbeat. 

Last month, after I found out about James and Tessa, I got really frustrated and jealous. I didn’t want to admit it at first because James and I were never really legit. I mean come on, we texted, chatted, went out (with friends), and flirted a bit, but those are the things you’d do with any opposite-sexed friend (except the flirting part. Which I don’t really understand!!! Cause I remember just now that he asked for me when he was fucking drunk one time and we slept beside each other and he fucking held my hand the whole time even though I kept removing it, simply to check if he would search for my hand again. You don’t fucking do that with “just a friend” Fucktard.)

Needless to say, I am not proud of myself. I gave in to simple temptations even though I knew they were completely temporary and they didn’t guarantee a “win” for me. I am so fucked up that I can’t seem to get over what happened while everyone’s fucking moved on. I don’t have the fucking right to feel this way because he was never really mine, yet I feel so pathetic for being so affected. I have to put up a front every-fucking-day that I’m alright and nothing has changed. FUCKING A???? NOTHING HAS CHANGED?? I FUCKING FEEL LIKE MY WHOLE IDENTITY HAS!!!!! I never let myself want any one to the point of being destructive and pathetic. - I think that line has been tampered on.

I don’t get it anymore. Why do things like this have to be acknowledged, anyway? Can’t I just forget and move on like everyone else? If I had been a true-blue whore, I’d be over what I did and what I felt by now. But I’m not, and I’m proud of that. I just wish he didn’t mean that much to me or that I wasn’t so desperate of having him. Hell, I didn’t even like him that much, I just wanted the idea of him. I think I just stepped on my own pride.

Written: January 8, 2011 12:44 AM

So basically, my life is revolving around the normal things again - School, Org, Friends. Lovelife? Non-existent. I actually miss the thrill of it all but then again, I wouldn’t want the heartache to be relived. Though, my ex has made it pretty clear that I apparently matter in his life. Well, not entirely. But come on. He should be happy with his girlfriend now, considering that she was the same girlfriend he had before me. (Yes, we has still in love with her when we were together, or so I think) He’s fucking in love with her. But he can’t seem to stop popping into my life. I really thought everything was over already, but, how come whenever he’s drunk, he finds a way to contact me and actually talk to me like it’s normal. Like it’s the most common thing for us to have a chat with each other. Hell, no.

But, whatever. I’m glad I’m over him. I know it doesn’t seem like so since I’m writing about him. But it’s only because he matters. Not like before, though. But he matters like “he’s my ex”-kind of matter. Anyway, I’m bored with my life. I need a new distraction. I need something shiny and inspiring again in my life.

Written: October 23, 2011 3:40pm

I’m feeling a bit like the girl from the TV series, “Awkward” lately. I know, that’s really weird. And honestly, right now, I’m kind of scared like what if someone tries to google Awkward and then this blog comes up. That’d be so random and just plain wrong. Well If that person is looking for the TV show, then it is wrong. But if like he/she’s looking for something really awkward, then nothing beats any kind of awkwardness than finding out about someone else’s personal life.

The last time I actually posted something here, I was COMPLETELY HEARTBROKEN. And now, I’m judging myself for actually typing that down. It’s really……..gross. Coming from me, that is. I don’t like mouthing it out, let alone typing it down on an empty blog. But seriously, I looked back at my old posts and oh my god what was up with me? I know I loved him. Maybe, I still do. But right now, I’m quite sure that I don’t want him back anymore; and I’ve never felt more free than ever.

I told my friend about this “realization” that I’m finally over him. Her reaction was so funny, she literally prayed in front of me. She thanked God and all, and she’s not even religious. I guess that’s how much people wanted me to move on from him. Well, I wanted to move on as well. Hell, I’m still trying to move on.  Don’t get confused though, I have a theory. Being over someone=/=Moved on. I am over him. I’m positive that no matter how much the world would change and the tables would turn, I will not take him back. BUT…. I haven’t moved on.

It’s weird but it’s only because it’s so seldom for me to like anyone. I mean honestly, for the past year, I’ve had a few crushes, flirt with them for like a week or two, and then get over them. Nothing ever really happens. I move from on one crush to another. Considering the fact that these crushes of mine have like 3-month intervals.  Yes, I am hopeless, I know.

Well, at least right now I “like” someone….? Well not really. I just want this person’s attention. He doesn’t pay attention to me!!!!!! and I want it so badly. and he’s really cute. and talented. and fun to be with… But I don’t have a complete crush on him. He’s an asshole.

Whatever. I have to do my Philosophy paper now.

Written: October 17, 2011 9:48 pm

It doesn’t give me comfort knowing how you feel or what you want for us. It hurts even more that I want you so badly and that it’s mutual but we always choose the other path.  We don’t do things because they’re the right thing to do, we do them because we’re afraid and we let our fear make the decisions for us.  We don’t take risks anymore, we walk away and wait for things to turn around for us.  We’re insecure.  We’re too broken to fix this cause we can’t fix ourselves, or maybe that’s just me.  And knowing that I made you feel like crap is shitty. This is why I’m sad. I’m sorry.

Texted: Sept. 19 3:55am

(via deepfriedjupiter)

For the past weeks I have done nothing that can help me move on. I thought I was tho. I mean, really, I thought that if I remember everything that happened and feel every ache that comes with it, eventually I’ll feel numb. My paralyzed emotions could lead to a more productive social and academic life because if I achieve numbness, then I wouldn’t be so distracted by the pain this has brought to me. I was stupid, obviously.

I thought, maybe, if I can get through this, I’ll be okay. However, the more I think about the situation I am in, the more it sinks in. It, meaning, everything: How we started out as friends; how, slowly, we became close; how I’ve learned that I was attracted to having your attention but denying the idea of being with you; all of these until the memories of actually being your someone and then..being your nothing. I feel so stupid for not knowing what to do and for being stuck when I know you’re doing fine without me. I feel something very heavy on my chest right now that even when I’m with people I can’t lift it anymore. I need to let go.

Written: August 19